Ethical non-monogamy

I have a passion for working with people who are in (or considering exploring) non-traditional forms of relationship such as polyamory or ethical non-monogamy. I suppose this stems from growing up in a family where I experienced my parent's conventional relationship as dysfunctional and damaging not only to themselves but me and my siblings. I often had the feeling that we are imprisoned in their patriarchal relationship that drew strength from strong societal introjects around power, communication, needs, desires, responsibility-taking etc none of which I believed had been chosen consciously nor were open to ongoing revision. Relationships often become fixed, while the people in them and the world around them changes.

It is not the fact that relationships become fixed or rigid that I see as problematic, but rather the inability or resistance to noticing this and making changes where needed or desired.

I will say that I have something of a bias for people who strive for conscious relationships where they experience choosing, creating, committing and having the courage to really be themselves. If that is in a conventional monogamous relationship then great. If that is in something radically different then that's also great. A big difference between these types of relationship is that one has been the dominant, normative model for a very long time and in many religious contexts, is the only possibility. Certainly, in some cultures, breaking this norm could result in imprisonment or death. While that isn't the case in the UK, being non-monogamous is something that is seen my many as weird, foolish or immoral. Since we are all relational beings, needing people, needing social connection and validation, being non-monogamous can be a difficult path. Clients of mine have felt unsupported or judged by their communities, parents, grandparents etc. And if they are not being judged, they may be being envied or misunderstood.

In a world of social media where we are tantalised by the images of others' perfect lives and find ourselves comparing or competing with one another; in a world where sexuality has long been supressed, shamed and controlled; and in a world where counter-cultures seek to overturn these restrictions and encourage people to reach for whatever they want, non-monogamy can be incredibly tricky. We can't exactly go to our grandparents or parents to see healthy examples. Some clients I find love the idea of it, but haven't come to turns with issues of attachment and personal boundaries. They deny their feelings not knowing what to do with them. They are afraid to name their jealousies or insecurities for fear of limiting their partner. Or they may get carried away like a toddler who has just been let off a leash, so giddy with excitement that they forget their responsibilities or commitments and later feel shame and guilt.

Gestalt therapy is perfectly suited to supporting clients through these waters. Gestalt values authenticity, creativity, spontaneity and experimentation. It can help people to better communicate who they are, what they need and want. Space can be created for a part that feels jealous or selfish and for another part that desires freedom and adventure for their partner. There is no contradiction here, but by becoming aware of these tensions, conflicts or parts, the groundwork can be laid for a healthy and dynamic relationship.